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Monday, July 22, 2024

Our Committee Welcomes Recent Concepts, as Lengthy as They Don’t Battle with Windowpane Smashing Competition



It’s so good to have new individuals on the town becoming a member of our committee and invigorating the dynamic with contemporary concepts. Welcome! We actually preferred your suggestion about holding a avenue honest within the spring to capitalize on the apple blossoms, however I’m afraid that might battle with the annual Windowpane Smashing Competition, which takes place yearly the third week of Could.

Sure, I suppose we may maintain the road honest earlier than the Windowpane Smashing Competition, however in our expertise, individuals are so busy gearing up for all of the smashing—you understand: the baking, prepping their smashing instruments, topping up bandage provides—they don’t have time for anything. Holding a good after the Windowpane Smashing Competition wouldn’t work both as a result of, nicely, the windowpanes are all smashed, clearly.

Oh, that’s so cute. “Can’t you smash windowpanes at one other time of yr?” Belief us, we’ve tried transferring the Windowpane Smashing Competition and it doesn’t work. It simply doesn’t, that’s why. Perhaps they smash windowpanes within the fall the place you come from, however round right here, everybody is aware of Could is windowpane smashing time.

What? Why do we’ve a Windowpane Smashing Competition in any respect? As a result of we’ve at all times had a Windowpane Smashing Competition! It’s custom. These windowpanes aren’t going to smash themselves, you understand!

Look, you’re a reflectioner—oh, sorry, that’s what we name new individuals who’ve by no means smashed a windowpane—so I’ll clarify slowly: All of it comes all the way down to economics. If we didn’t have the Windowpane Smashing Competition, then the native windowpane manufacturing facility would exit of enterprise. The manufacturing facility works all yr to supply sufficient windowpanes to switch all of the smashed windowpanes. You received’t discover individuals round right here going off to different windowpane factories to switch their shattered home windows, no sir! That’s our motto: “Smash Native.”

Discover different prospects? Different prospects for our windowpane manufacturing facility? Oh, have a look at you along with your huge concepts about “advertising and marketing” and “globalization” and “leaving giant sheets of glass intact.” If the manufacturing facility may discover different prospects, don’t you assume they’d? Don’t you assume they’ve tried? I imply, I assume they’ve tried, however then why would they when we’ve the Windowpane Smashing Competition?

So what you’re saying is we should always merely cease holding the Windowpane Smashing Competition. I don’t perceive. Then what would we smash? Automobile home windows? That’s not the identical in any respect. Fully totally different sort of glass. Horrible stuff. These beady little bits get all over the place. Are you aware how harmful that might be?

Oh, I see: don’t smash something. “Don’t smash something,” she says! Hear, reflectioner, smashing is what we do. We’ve been smashing way back to anybody can bear in mind. Grover Retchingford, our founder, smashed his first windowpane in 1783. Betsy Stimple, who went on to star as finest pal Velba within the Disney Channel sequence “Oops-A-Doodle!”—the best way she smashed windowpanes, whilst a toddler, you can inform she’d go far.

It’s important to perceive: our younger individuals are leaving city in droves, operating off to the large metropolis with their fancy property legal guidelines and unspoiled storefronts. You possibly can’t smash a single factor within the metropolis with out getting soiled appears to be like and arrested. Windowpane smashing is the one factor that brings the younger folks again residence. Like we are saying round right here, house is the place the shards is.

Nicely, in case you didn’t need your windowpanes smashed, it’s best to have considered that earlier than you moved right here!

Look, I believe we’re getting too hung up on the windowpanes, however there’s extra to the Windowpane Smashing Competition than that. There are different advantages. The picket ladder retailer, for instance. It might exit of enterprise with out individuals shopping for the ladders they should smash these high-up windowpanes.

Sure, after all it needs to be a picket ladder to smash windowpanes, that’s simply how it’s. None of this “steel ladder” nonsense. That’s a part of the custom: going out yearly to purchase a brand new picket ladder.

Oh, we didn’t inform you about Ladder Burning Day? Boy, do you might have lots to find out about our city.

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