EVERYWHERE—Questioning when the endless barrage of content material from The Onion’s Click on Drive may lastly give manner, the nation was knowledgeable by insiders on the media outlet Wednesday that they’d not cease pestering individuals till they gave in and engaged with the fucking factor. “Relaxation assured, the Click on Drive will proceed indefinitely till we break your spirit and also you fucking click on or share one thing,” mentioned an operative from the elite Onion Click on Battalion, who previously pioneered the “by any means obligatory” methodology of accelerating site visitors progress at GuantanamoBay.com and was now standing by with rope, duct tape, and 50,000 notifications about The Onion’s Click on Drive that he and his males have been able to deploy. “Now we have methods of constructing you click on. The selection is as much as you whether or not you’d prefer to take the straightforward route or take an excruciatingly painful one wherein we change into much more fucking unbearable. Belief me, these boys are hungry on your consideration, and so they have been educated to extract it utilizing excessive aggravation strategies and tactical nuisance if want be. Heed our warnings now, or put together to be hit with a torturous variety of alerts, emails, and tweets concerning the Click on Drive for the remainder of your on-line life. Or possibly we’ll skip previous you and beg your harmless members of the family for clicks immediately, seeing as now we have your IP handle proper right here. Your selection.” At press time, The Onion’s Click on Battalion had reportedly violated the Geneva Conventions by inhumanely eradicating the unsubscribe button from their now-mandatory e-newsletter.
