YOUR DATA- OR WIFI-ENABLED DEVICE—Feeling crushed beneath the oppressive calls for to click on and click on and click on on TheOnion.com, the nation was knowledgeable by consultants from The Onion’s Click on Drive Wednesday that this might all be made to cease for simply 25 clicks. “For a mere 25 clicks on The Onion’s web site, you may finish all of this noise and return to your calm, nice searching,” stated a senior member of The Onion’s Click on Squadron, who’s at present standing by, able to stop the onslaught of Click on Drive content material simply as quickly as you all cough up a small, cheap variety of clicks. “Ball’s in your court docket. Our knowledge reveals that you just’ve solely clicked on our web site thrice at this time. Why? It’s virtually as for those who’re going out of your technique to keep away from clicking. Can’t be since you’re too busy—we are able to see that you just don’t have something in your calendar till 3 p.m. That’s loads of time to do some critical clicking. Takes two minutes. Don’t insult us. Leisurely clicking is what you do finest, so what’s a pair dozen extra? You most likely click on that a lot in your sleep. Anybody ought to be so fortunate as to have issues that may be solved with barely a quiver of the finger. Come on, now, let’s finish this. We’ll information you: Click on. Click on. Click on. That’s it. Click on. The end line is in sight.” Consultants went on to warn that if this info was nonetheless not sufficient to compel you to do some clicking, they might be pressured to make use of an ominous technique of forcibly drawing out clicks from each considered one of you throughout one thing referred to as Section II.
